Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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