I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
