lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
