after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
