you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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