dude i'm inner monologue high
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
