I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
