I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
