i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Bring me that man meat
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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