4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
