Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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