bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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