What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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