We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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