I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
