so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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