I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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