I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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