Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
