apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
