He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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