dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Who died my cat blue again?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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