i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
