the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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