Whatcha textin bout Willis?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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