Im at strip club and am horny
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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