My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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