I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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