made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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