Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
