just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
