I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
