No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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