I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
