I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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