Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
