he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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