Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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