her facebook's as public as her vagina
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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