His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
