what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
