Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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