I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
