Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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