Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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