It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
should my penis look like a turkey
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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