i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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