She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he fucked my hip out of place.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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