my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
