I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
