I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
