My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
