If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
