Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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