Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
