i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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