Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
