just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
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